Careful... There’s Foul Language In This Post!
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: this is a family blog, right? Don’t worry, no profanity was used (or harmed) in the making of this post.
Recently, I was in an airport lounge when the guy at the table behind me was speaking to his companion about his upcoming trip to Vegas and using a swear word in every sentence. Seriously, there were a lot of bombs. So many that after a while I wondered if his companion could even understand what he was saying.
It’s a free country and all, but I’m wondering if we aren’t using swear words a little too much. You can’t read much on the internet without having to process swear words that honestly, I don’t think are being used correctly to begin with.
Being the saint that I am, I’m proud to say that profanity was my first language. Between my dad and friends at school, by fourth grade, I was a wealth of swear word information. Too bad that wasn’t an actual language track at school. I totally would’ve excelled in it and maybe even had a higher GPA. Imagine the field trips!
Sometimes leftover words from my first language erupt automatically from my mouth. Like the s-word. Of course, I don’t really mean to use the s-word as it’s supposed to be used. Look at this situation where I use the s-word.
Me, walking past the cat who’s pretending to sleep in a tall cat condo. When I walk by, her thin, long arm protrudes from under her, her claws come out, and now I’ve got a snag in my new sweater.
“Oh, s-word.” I say.
Poop? Is that what I really mean to say? Am I actually thinking about poop? That’s frightening. Why we use the s-word for things that have nothing to do with the s-word is a total mystery to me.
Bad words are appropriate in some situations… oh… like when you’re teaching your teenager how to drive.
Side note: There should be a class in college that teaches you how to train a teenager on how to drive. You’ll have to pay an extra fee for the full suit of armor and hire some old people… like really old - preferably ones that can’t see. And then hop right in that passenger seat and drive with them. At night. In a very busy city like Los Angeles or New York. Blindfolded. And there’s bonus points for overnight construction. Yeah, that should prepare you.
When my teen was working on getting her license, I left a small hole in the passenger side floor of my SUV, because I kept pressing the invisible brake pedal that I desperately needed to be there. I pressed so hard that I got plantar fasciitis, but only in my right foot. Considering I started life in Asbury Park public schools, just the fact that I was only shouting s-word s-word s-word s-word out of the sunroof is a gosh-darn miracle.
That other word.
I believe I was four when I first used that word. You know the one... the one that means... hold on a second...
(the f-word) I whisper.
Alright from now on in this column we’ll write it the old way with symbols. We’ll use &@%$.
You read that right... I was four. To make it more interesting, I first used the word at a busy dinner party my parents threw for my dad’s work colleagues. Here’s how it went:
I, four, cute as a button, was kneeling on a dining room chair looking around at all the food and then I spied it: the mashed potatoes. So, I thoughtfully said “Please pass the &@%$-ing mashed potatoes.”
Everyone at the table stopped and looked at me, and I was very proud of myself for using the word “please” as I stuffed a heaping spoonful of potatoes into my tiny potty mouth.
I learned years later that after that, my dad quickly switched from beer to Johnny Walker Black for the rest of the evening.
Today, the f-word (&@%$) is everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Have you been to Barnes and Noble lately? Apparently, it’s their job to teach my kids how to use &@%$ by placing every single book with it on the cover facing OUT for them to see.
How about TV? Recently, I started watching a mystery show that honestly, if you removed all the foul language from it, I believe you’d have a better show, but only fifteen minutes of actual content. But most of the time this show has excellent writing and I’ll showcase some here because I believe that most people aren’t even using &@%$ correctly in the first place.
I’ll give you some setup if you haven’t seen this riveting barrage of unneeded swear words on this show. The three main characters are trying to solve a murder (they only solve murders in their big luxury apartment building) and they are at a memorial service for the victim. It opens like this:
Remember: Luxury apartment building.
Bunny (Sixty-years-old or so and head of the Building Committee. Dressed to the nines.): “Why the &@%$ is everyone standing?”
Maybe I’m sheltered or something, but I have yet to hear that word uttered at a memorial service. Retirement party? Yup. But not a memorial service.
But wait, it gets better. Later in the scene, Bunny is reminding one of the main characters that he is late on his building fees:
Bunny: “Oliver, can I speak with you?”
Oliver: “Of Course, Bun Bun. First of all, let me say that you look fantastic. You’ve got to give me the name of your guy. You look like a G*& d*&^ kid.”
Bunny: “Your building fees are eight months past due. If you don’t pay them, the board will be forced to take drastic action.”
(This is fine dialogue. But wait...)
Oliver: “We’re friends, Bun--”
Bunny: “That’s why I’m using a friendly tone.“ Here is comes. “Don’t &@%$ with me, Oliver.”
Oliver: “I can’t think of anything less pleasant.” (Nailed it).
Bunny: “That makes two of us.”
Now that’s how to use the word.
I think we should integrate swear words into every situation, don’t you? Together, let’s look at some real-life scenarios.
Say you’re at the dentist’s office.
“Bob, you’ve got a &@%$ing abscessed tooth in there.”
“Oh &@%$, Dr. Parker.”
“Yes, my thoughts exactly. I’m going to have to get you in for &@%$ing surgery. How’s next week?”
“&@%$ yeah, Dr. Parker. Thanks.”
Or how about fine dining?
Sommelier: “Excuse me sir, would you care for a bottle of &@%$ing wine?”
You: “Yes. The lady and I will have the G*& d*&^ Domain de la Romanée-Conti. Do you have the &@%$ing 1945?”
Sommelier: “&@%$ yeah, sir. A fine selection.”
See? I mean, if we’re going to use profanity, let’s really use it. Everywhere.
Next year, I’ll be heading out to LA again to take another driving course as my youngest kid will start driving. If you hear me screaming &@%$ or G*& d*&^ or even !?&%$!@? from far away, just know I’m putting on my blindfold.