Please Stop Criticizing Yourself
Don't let that dark voice in your head convince you of who you're not.
For years, I criticized myself inside my head. It was always in my voice and I would intently listen as it convinced me what a loser I was, or how I was always doing something wrong until, one day, I recognized the voice and ended the conversation.
We live in a culture of criticizing.
Stop listening to the meanest person in your head.
Here’s a strategy that helped me.
Some years ago, I was somewhere in my 40s, and I woke up one morning, and before I actually opened my eyes, I heard a voice in my head criticizing me. It was saying things like:
You’re a horrible mom…
You didn’t close that deal for work six months ago…
When’s the last time you cleaned the bathroom…
You still haven’t finished (fill in the blank)…
Your neighbor looks better than you do…
It was a voice I had heard all my life. It sounded like my voice, but really it was the voice of my father, a man who I believe possibly majored in criticizing members of his family in college. But after a while, especially I would say after 25, you can’t blame your parents anymore. You have to do something about it yourself and be your own hero.
A Culture of Criticizing.
Criticizing is really the culture now, isn’t it? From reality shows to political debates, they make almost everything we see for us to criticize. And, might I add, that most of the time it is the people on these shows that we are criticizing. Why are we doing that? Don’t we have other things to do? A higher purpose?
Social Media is a critic’s dream. I was thinking about adding some examples of really mean posts, but what’s the point of that? It’s negativity all around and I prefer to keep it positive.
Think about it. What exactly are X (Twitter) and Facebook primarily used for? Criticizing. I am appalled at what I see coming from everyone, from neighbors to complete strangers, as it sometimes seems that people lose every sense of civility when they get on that keyboard.
Here’s a scenario that you might recognize:
You go to a party and have a great time talking with other people. In fact, when you get home, you are pretty much talked out…but then a small voice inside criticizes something you said, or did, or the way someone responded to you made you think you said something wrong. Then, as you think more about it, you begin to spiral down into anxiety that informs you that you probably won’t be invited back.
That used to happen to me all the time. Even if I was hanging out with good friends, I would still think I did something wrong.
Mean people are awful, so don’t listen to them.
People are going to be critical. But I think the best friends that I have are the ones who understand who I am, and accept me for that. They offer constructive criticism, but they never make me feel bad about myself. Do you have any friends who are critical of you? Maybe one who seemingly likes you, but still puts in a little dig about your appearance or tells you some way you reacted was wrong? Can you talk to them about it? I’ve unfortunately lost friends over criticizing, but others I’ve kept who when I told them, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
So I’m here to offer you a challenge.
Stop the habit of criticizing yourself and remember who you are.
Getting back to the mean person who might be in your head. The first thing I did was recognize that this was not what I thought of myself. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m not the things my thoughts were telling me.
I’m not the perfect mom—in fact, I’m often surprised that God gave me a chance to be a mom at all — but I try hard.
Yup, that thought was right. I never closed a deal for that company I previously worked for. I’m rarely negative, so I knew this wasn’t a thought that should me feel bad. I did a lot of good things while I was there that should make me proud.
Nope, I’m not the best at keeping house. Well, unless the phrase is keeping the house dirty.
Will two small children, I finish quite a few things. I finish reading kid’s books; I finish hugging and I always finish my tea at teatime.
Okay, yes, I’m pretty fashion challenged. Well, right now I am. And yes, my neighbor (who is very nice) is married to a doctor. She has a nanny and is in a different tax class than I am being a stay at home mom who married to a firefighter. So, there’s absolutely no reason to compare myself to my neighbor (or anyone else).
What can you do to stop it? (Because I know you can!)
Identify the conversation and its source. Are you feeling happy one moment but the next you are feeling sad? Maybe that’s the inner critic telling you something that’s not true. Keep a journal of what you hear in your head and write a response to that inner critic. You’ll most likely notice that what it sadi isn’t true. And what if it is true? Give yourself a break, go make a plan and execute it to make it right.
Master the art of gratefulness. Every time you hear (or feel) that voice coming, don’t listen, then shut it down with gratefulness. Be thankful for who you are or who you want to become.
Practice mindfulness. Be in the present and focus on what’s in front of you because it' refocuses your brain on something different than the voice.
Do not compare yourself to others. You are on your own journey, etching your own path forward. Remember, there is no one like you and there never will be!
Help others. Volunteering can bolster your self-esteem in immediate ways and can provide some ammo when dealing with your negative self-talk.
Find a good therapist. Having someone to talk to who’s objective and can help you work things out is always a good idea. No insurance or can’t afford one? Many churches offer services to help you talk things out and can provide a much needed resource for your well-being.
How did I do it? Seriously, as soon as I identified the source and was aware of what was happening, it just faded away. Every once in a while, it’ll start up again and I remind myself of who I am, and usually it fades away.
Side note: If you are a beginning writer (or even a seasoned one), let me tell you that you may hear that voice in your head once again. It can be loud and menacing, but you must ignore it. Get yourself a good writing group either online or at your local library. It will help!
You are the BEST!!!